So it’s been like two months since I did the Very Bad Thing so that a lot of Very Good Things would happen in my life, and it still haunts me like yesterday, I feel the weight of it crushing and making sour the Very Good Things.
For the longest time I thought if I was in control, I could stroll down the path of Happiness, but the more I set things on fire to get them out of the way… the more flames there are, unsurprisingly. I’m still not in control. (Who is? is the wrong question because it should always be: Why aren’t you?)
I’m lighting my own destruction.
I have this simple idealistic picture in my head, with you, an ocean, a dog. But that’s not a life, it’s just an image.
Truth is, I don’t know how to change. And I try not thinking about how there isn’t free will, but if there isn’t, I’m going to think of not thinking about it anyway, so whatever, I guess? I just don’t want to be… House, haha. (Well, at this rate, maybe, I’d be good at something, I suppose, at least, along with being insufferable.)
I don’t notice the days going by in the Really Bad kind of way.