I’ve been wanting to make this post for a while, but I’m a lazy fuck.
Basically, does it matter that I want to have sex with everyone and I don’t really care?
Wow, I really don’t know how to say this eloquently, and now I’m thinking out loud, I don’t even feel like editing. straight stream of consciousness, whatever, it’s more genuine
All right, so I would naturally identify as heterosexual, if I really have to identify as anything. But the truth is, I don’t give a fuck about identifying. I can be heterosexual, pansexual, bisexual, asexual, it really doesn’t matter. This is why I admire people in the LGBTQ (PA, what’s the rest?) community, because they fight firmly for their humanity and existence. They have some existential understanding. I’m lost in the wind. The truth is, if I felt strongly about sexuality, I don’t even think I would do anything about it. I just wouldn’t care. I would date/fuck/love whomever, and I wouldn’t bother with the state. However, I do vehemently support everyone else’s freedom (there must be something toxic about being apathetic about one’s own freedom, but maybe this lethargy means I am more free than the government can handle?).
I’ve only ever been in love with men. And I find them attractive. But I find women more attractive. And sensual. And beautiful. And you just want to touch women, you know? I only want to draw women. And I only want to look at pictures of women. And I would sleep with a women and I’ve kissed women and I dream about women and I want to lick a woman’s smooth stomach up to her — oh…
But I’ve only ever been in love with men. I’ve only ever dated men.
And men are sexy and men are protective and men kiss you roughly and men are bigger than me and they make me feel small and alive.
But I think I would date a woman if I fell in love with one. I just never have. They seem more like friends.
But god, a woman…
And the thing is I find everyone beautiful. I don’t understand why. I’ve been head over heels in love with people I don’t even find remotely attractive. And most of the time “hot” people only seem interesting to me in the sense of a painting. I only fall in love with charisma/confidence. But I think everyone is so interesting beautiful regardless of gender or anything, I just want to paint over everyone’s body
I’m confused all the time so I can’t subscribe to any one notion. I’m too free in a sense that is disheartening and interesting at the same time.
It’s both creepy and awesome that I feel the same way from the wanting to draw only women, except I particularly enjoy drawing stereotypically male hands, to feeling small and alive and especially, especially this sense of freedom that seems to have become paralyzing. Ironyyyyy.